Bulletin Blunders

Here are some well-intentioned (and very funny) announcements found in church bulletins across the nation:

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Tips On Mentoring, Part Four

SPEAK WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

What do you know of your student’s background? Economic considerations can carry much weight in the development of a life, but even more important are social and relational factors. What ideas, outlooks, relational parameters, etc., are espoused in your student’s home situation? In the home, what does he or she learn overtly and through unspoken messages? These have a great influence on your protégé’s self-image, perceived needs, goals, perspectives on life and attitudes towards situations and people. While some parents work to provide a strong, Bible-based home life and instill constructive principles in their children, others do not. Your voice of encouragement, of positive ideals, of “goodness,” may be the only sound of acceptance, unconditional love, affirmative values or spiritual integrity in this young life. Be sure to speak the words that will provide encouragement instead of discouragement, victory instead of defeat, and dreams instead of bitterness and helplessness.

There will be times when a strong word or two will be spoken in the mentoring relationship. Just remember the old saying, “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” In the times that you are unable to easily sway your ward’s perspective on a topic, don’t berate or harangue. Let the subject go. Just give it a rest. Later on, there may be opportunity to address the issue again. If not, and if circumstances develop poorly because of your student’s stubbornness, be sure to not say, “I told you so.” After all, you are mentoring this young life to produce a better person, not to merely “prove” your wisdom. Speak words of support. By making certain that you are an encouraging, affirmative, uplifting, positive, forward-thinking influence in the young life that is following you, your few words of “criticism” will carry immense weight.

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things." Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

You do not have to be vapid, glossing over the bad and ignoring the worst. Just quietly affirm those things in your follower that are good and right. Remain grounded in reality, otherwise your advice will take on an unreal (and, therefore, non-valid) quality. It is okay to recognize the facts of a hard condition in your student’s life. What you suggest as a response to that fact or that circumstance should bring hope to your student – not a false hope, but a genuine optimism. When faced with a tough situation, be sure to speak words of support. Continue to promote your protégé to better things – to greater things. Remain steadfast in bringing hope to a young life. Always look to the positive for your words and actions. Be ready to speak forth affirmative alternatives. Be ready to fuel a dream.

Find the best in your young ward and praise him or her for it. Whether it is sports, art, grades, social ability, mechanical aptitude, or something else, once you discover your student’s strengths, encourage him or her in these areas. Be careful to offer praise and encouragement not just once or twice, but long and loud. Your student wants genuine support from you. Give him or her words that are positive, affirming and optimistic. Your student wants a show of support especially in areas where he or she has a greater interest. Your reinforcement in those areas of interest will give greater weight to your leadership in other areas – areas that you see need to be developed in your pupil’s life. Your role as a mentor is to find a way to encourage the best in this young person, and your words are a good place to start.

What would you use to fit glass into a mold? A hammer? Probably not. Heat that is carefully applied, on the other hand, can work wonders with glass, melting it until it will flow freely into the chosen mold. Your student will come to resent your use of force in trying to compel him or her to Christian standards. Just as properly applied heat causes glass to become pliable, your words of affirmation and love will nurture your protégé’s desire to conform to the image of Christ.

On the Funnier Side

Here are several humorous tales that have made the rounds on the internet over the past few years. I sure have enjoyed them, and hope that you do, too. The last two are real-life incidents from my family’s daily adventures.

*****

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

*****

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

*****

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

********

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

*****

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

*****

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

*****

Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

*****

Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Grandpa, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"

*****

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

*****

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."

*****

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'".

*****

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently, "It means carrying a child."

*****

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

*****

And now for a true tale that happened just this past week at my niece’s house. My brother-in-law was in the attic to run a cable to the tv. As he was feeding it down through the wall, he called down to his wife, asking, “Do you see it, yet?” “No, not yet,” she answered. My three-year-old niece overheard them and came to see what the noise was about. Hearing her father speaking from the attic, she said, “Daddy, are you in the wall? Don’t worry, Daddy! We’ll get you out soon!”

*****

My three-year-old niece was trying to sit still as her mother dried and combed her freshly washed hair for her. Occasionally, the comb would pull on a small tangle as Mother worked to make Daughter’s hair straight. Not liking the tugging on her hair, my niece cried out, “No, Mommy, no! I don’t have triangles!"

OBJECT LESSON ON SALVATION

Here’s a powerful object lesson on temptation, sin, and salvation. First, you’ll need the following three ingredients:

Starch (either liquid or ordinary spray starch will do)
Iodine (be careful, it’s toxic)
Sodium Thiosulfate crystals (sometimes referred to as Photographic Fixer)

The crystals are commonly used in photography in the development process and are often available at a photo supply store and in some hobby stores that cater to photography. You won’t need much for this object lesson, so a small supply will be sufficient.

In addition to the ingredients, you’ll need to gather the following items:

Large clear container
Water, warm or hot (to go in the clear container)
Ladle, stick, or some other implement with which to stir the water
Table or other sturdy surface on which items may be placed during presentation

No one wants to watch their teacher read the directions as they go, or fumble with the ingredients, or hear words like, “I’ve haven’t tried this yet and hope it works.” Worse yet would be the object lesson that doesn’t work, simply because it was never practiced first. Always practice an object lesson before presenting it. Be familiar with not only the handling of the materials, but also with your teaching points at each step in the process.

It’s best to consider the size of your audience and the room you will be presenting this in. For a Sunday school class of a dozen or so children, a large mason jar would be acceptable. For a children’s church group of sixty or more, a gallon container would be barely adequate. In a Sidewalk Sunday School situation, a large clear storage container might be appropriate. For best results, fit the size of your object lesson to your audience.

Now for a brief look at the process. Put the water (warm or hot is better) in the clear container. Add a few drops of iodine. There will be very little effect, maybe just a slight browning of the water. Now, add the starch. If using spray starch, simply spray it on the surface of the liquid for three or four seconds. The liquid will turn dark. Stir the liquid to mix it completely. To clear the dark liquid, sprinkle in a small amount of the sodium thiosulfate crystals (for a gallon-sized container, try using ½ teaspoon or less of the crystals). If you’ve used warm water and stirred it just before adding in the crystals, allow a moment for the chemical reaction to be complete on it’s own. If your water is cold, or if it is completely still, you might want to give the liquid a quick stir. If all goes well, your liquid should clear up quickly.

DO NOT DRINK THE LIQUID. IT STILL HAS CHEMICALS IN IT, EVEN THOUGH IT LOOKS CLEAR.

After practicing, and before you present this object lesson, BE SURE to wash your container and implements completely with soap and water. Allow them to dry completely. Any residue of the photographic fixer that might be left on the container or implements will cause the liquid to become clear before you reach that point of your lesson.


NOW FOR THE SPIRITUAL APPLICATION:

The container of liquid represents your audience and their spiritual condition. Dropping in the iodine demonstrates how we might regard the effects of sin. Adding the starch demonstrates the true effects of sin in our lives. The crystals represent Jesus adding His salvation to our lives. The resulting clear liquid represents how God sees us, once we have accepted His salvation.

Here is a brief script you might use as a basis for your presentation. You’ll probably want to adjust it to fit the age group of your audience, and also expand on it to fit your own presentation needs and style.

When God first created man and woman, their lives were pure and unblemished by sin. That is how God meant for us to be. Look at this container of water. We’re going to use it today to represent our lives. Right now you can see straight through the water in this container. It is clean, clear and pure, just like the lives of Adam and Eve when they were first created.

Did you know there are temptations in life? If we love God, we will want to please Him and obey Him. But sometimes, we are tempted to follow our own path instead of doing things God’s way. We might think that it’s okay to lie or it’s okay to swear. Maybe not a lot. Maybe just a little bit (drop in the iodine at this point). Maybe there's something else you've been tempted to do, but it doesn't seem like a big deal at all. See? There’s hardly any effect. There’s almost no change at all going on here. What’s the big deal? We can give in to some of those small temptations and it just won’t hurt us, right? Well, giving in to small temptations leads to bigger problems than we might think. Before we know it, our lives are no longer clean, clear and pure before God.

Have you heard that God sees everything? He sees every sin. He sees every motive. He knows every thought we have. He really just wants us to love Him completely, and to love people completely. (Add the starch) When we give in to a temptation, either small or big, here is how God sees us. (Stir the liquid, as necessary, to completely mix the ingredients. This is not the clean, attractive-looking clear, pure water it once was, is it? Now, the water is full of all sorts of things that are bad for you, and it shows, doesn’t it? This is how our lives look to God, once we start giving in to temptation – dark and full of things that God doesn’t want to see in us, and things that God will not allow in those who enter His kingdom.

Knowing that we would need help in reaching Him, God sent His son, Jesus, to live among us. Jesus came to Earth and lived a life, just like you and I do. He was tempted, just like you and I are tempted. But Jesus never gave in to those temptations. He never sinned. Jesus always pleased His Father by being obedient to Him. Jesus was taken away and He was crucified on a cross. He was killed. But, this was part of God’s plan. Three days after Jesus died on the cross, He came back to life. Many people saw Him, and great miracles happened, too! After many days, Jesus ascended into Heaven. All of this was just as He had told His followers. He suffered and He died to provide a way for you and for me to come to know God. He rose again to show that He has power over death, Hell and the grave. Jesus offers forgiveness to you and to me for all our sins. Our lives don’t have to stay all dark, cloudy and nasty looking inside.

(Sprinkle crystals into liquid and stir as necessary) When we accept Jesus as our Lord, as our boss, He comes and cleans our souls. He places the Holy Spirit within us. He makes us pure and He makes us one of God’s children. Now, with a clean soul, we can serve Him and we can enjoy all the great things He has in store for us, including meeting Him in Heaven one day.

Do you want a clean soul? Would you like Jesus to clean your life up and make you pure? (At this point, you could go straight to your altar time.)

Amusing Anecdotes

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me in to Heaven?” “NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me in to Heaven?” Again, the answer was, “NO!”

By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked them again. Again, they all giggled and answered, “NO!”

She was just bursting with pride for them. “Well,” she continued, “then how can I get in to Heaven?” As a couple of hands went up, a five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill up barrels with water and pour the water over the altar. He had them do this four times. “Now,” said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?”

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, “I know! I know!” she said with great excitement, “To make the gravy!”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned in to a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My mummy looked back once, when she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned in to a telephone pole!”

Tips on Mentoring, Part Three

TAKE THE HIGH ROAD

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8, NIV

George Bernard Shaw is credited with saying, “Youth is wasted on the young.” While this saying is generally taken to mean that an older, and hopefully wiser, person would make better use of the energies and passions of youth, in this sense, it means a young person does not always have the best perception of life or even of the results of their actions or words. Thus, the need for a mentor with a solid core of wisdom and compassion.

The motive behind an action reveals much about a person and their perspective on an institution, life in general, people, spiritual matters, etc. Have your motives ever been misunderstood? Have you ever been judged with only a handful of the facts, or condemned because someone else jumped to the wrong conclusion? An experience of this nature can leave a person frustrated, angry, and withdrawn (and therefore not open to influence). An old saying reminds us, “Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.” As humorous as this saying might be, it points to a very real outworking of everyday human nature. Sometimes people do bad things not because they are trying to hurt someone else, but because they just haven't thought things through. It’s easy to assume that your student had a malicious intent when he said or did whatever it is that he is guilty of. Perhaps he simply did not consider the outcome his words or actions would bring, or did not imagine the consequences would be so far-reaching. It is an effortless leap for you to make, getting to a wrong conclusion. It is harder to come to the precipice of judgment and refrain from jumping. When every hand seems turned against him, when there is no one else to give wise counsel, in a time of confusion and frustration, your reservation of judgment might be the only oasis of peace and encouragement available to a young life.

As a mentor, your attitude of response to the wrongdoing of your student is as instructive as any punitive consequence. Certainly, there needs to be recognition of the transgression. But deciding that there is always a positive resolution available, you can encourage your protégé towards that constructive course of action. By continuing to be an encourager, pointing out areas in which your student excels and the things he has done that are first-rate, you leave the door open for your influence to have a powerful effect on an individual that needs direction. Capitalize on the opportunity you have created in this young life and promote restoration, healing and positive resolution in even the toughest situations.

Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.
Proverb 10:12, NIV

Tips on Mentoring, Part Two

And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them. But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them. Mark 10:13-16, KJV

PRACTICE THE HUMAN TOUCH

Sometimes all it takes is simple human contact in order to reassure a child that things are okay. Your touch can convey warmth, acceptance, affection and approval. Jesus took the children in His arms and blessed them, and while your protégé may not say that is what he or she is longing for, but by placing your hand on his or her shoulder, you can communicate volumes. In a nutshell, ministry is about people. It is about leading and influencing those around us to come to Christ and to live Godly lives. The warmth you convey to your followers is a representation of God’s warmth to them. By reaching out and touching your student, you help them to understand that God desires to also touch his or her life. On a more human level, the relationship you have established with your protégé is deepened and strengthened.

It’s true, that touching someone is a powerful tool in communication. It is also true that a touch can be misunderstood. Be careful to keep your contact appropriate, and watch as your student flourishes under your influence.


MAKE YOUR SPEECH PLAIN

Tell your student the things he or she would like to hear, and say them in plain English. Do you remember when you were eight or ten or twelve? At that age, were you able to correctly decipher the nuances in an adult’s speech? Most likely, the answer is, "no." When I was a young teen, I went to have my hair cut. It’s true, I had allowed it to grow longer than I probably should have. The barber looked at my head of hair and pronounced, “Don’t worry. It’s only the top hair that’s long.” Being young, I completely missed the fact that he was being funny, and thought he was only going to cut the “top hairs.” While your inflections and nuances might be clear to other adults, be sure your communication is clearly understandable to your protege.

A student and I were sharing small talk over a meal when I offered the following counsel, “don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater,” only to receive a blank look. It never occurred to me that this might be an unknown expression, one that would leave my meaning completely clouded and totally unclear. After this incident, I made a renewed effort to make clear what I wanted to communicate, often by using simpler language and more direct communication.

Your protege wants to hear a clear message from you. He or she wants to hear not only your acceptance of them as a person, or your encouragement for them to strive for a higher goal. Most of all, your follow wants to hear those three words that express the foundation for the relationship: “I love you.”